It's retrograde season again, which means only one thing, mainly.
Time to reflect...
And surely without a fault, life catches on to the tides of the cosmos and carries you back down memory lane, like a feather descending softly, caressing the wind as it glides downwards, towards its destination atop the ground.
The beauty in that, is that yet again I had the chance to revisit my past, documenting and collating the experiences/memories and placing them like a task that took a lot of effort and motivation to complete in the folders of my mind.
A beautiful process... so I thought.
This time around things weren't as rosy. There were a few thorns in my memories and the scars that certainly left a mark. Not so much from others, but from me. Scars that at times take the longest to heal. Guilt laced daggers that cut and bruise the skin of my heart, lending me into a frenzy of confusion, misunderstandings and ultimately a break down of things that are no longer relevant, as all healing, time and effort are needed to reconcile what is important and what is not. What is worth the agony and what is simply a blimp on the radar of the gamut of experiences life has to offer.
This time around, there was a lot of what I would call "not-so-happy" times that came gushing back towards me.
Screaming for attention the little innocent part of me paused and pleaded "are you sure you are ready to revisit this? You are not the same person as the person who was behind the wheel of your body the last time around!! Are you actually ready?" Sure, it would be easy to dismiss my past and pretend that in never happened. The drugs, the agony, the abuse, the fighting, the screaming, the final breaths (deaths), all of it. (Hate to make it sound like a movie, but in some ways there was a hell of a lot of drama in my life for a period of time - the kind of drama you shake your head at, instead of nodding at with smirky reminiscence")
Me: I suffered!
Me: But so did they... my mind concluded.
Perhaps it is best not to revisit this in real time, again, on these pages as I could with a song - a few of which are certainly perking their head up. Though what I can tell you, is that those experiences paved way for the kind of person I am becoming now... Karma certainly had its place in my life and taught me a thing or two about the way what goes around truly does come back around, but without these scars, I would have nothing to remind me, when I turn slightly selfish, or a selfish intention pops into my mind... Don't get me wrong, I'm not talking about self love - that's important, but I am talking about the way we should all remember our mistakes, as a reminder to never come back to that quality of experience again.
I hope this makes sense... I employ you to know, as the songs will manifest I will share all I can, as I'd love to make sure my mistakes don't end up in your arsenal of errors. Your wall of shame should be a baron, empty shelf after I'm done with what I need to do, because hell, if I can't inspire you with positivity at least I can warn you off with fear.